last weak

i get in these moods where i lose sight of where I want to be and

i drown in my reality

my reality that keeps me awake at night

my reality that’s in shambles

my reality that’s FAR from perfect

my reality that causes me to be ridiculously forgetful

my mind is always going

i’m always distracted

hardly focused

i lose keys

i lose money

i lose time

i lose opportunities

i lose people

i lose myself

i’m always thinking about everything but nothing at the same time

i just want to stop thinking

i just want to focus

i started taking these vitamins to help me focus and I forget to take them or

i’m just too lazy

either way they didn’t work.

i hate when I get like this

it literally feels like i’m sinking into myself

i stay in bed

i ignore calls

i engage only with people who don’t really know because, well,

they don’t really know…me

i hate when this happens it’s so hard to get out of it

i know i can pull myself out of it like i’ve done before its just…

theres no real will to do so, idk.

its scary because i don’t wanna be stuck in this version of myself

it’s the worst

i feel like nobody cares

because they don’t

because everyone has lives, so rightfully so

i feel like nobody notices when i disappear

but i also don’t want anybody to notice

that’s why I disappear

because…

i just want to be left alone to sink .

i don’t even know why this happens

i really hate it

cause i really liked last week’s version of me

people get mad at me for not showing up

how can i show up for you if i cant even show up for me ?

& how am i even supposed to explain whats going on

i don’t even know whats wrong with me

& what’s even weirder is there’s no real emotion behind it

i don’t feel

it’s just a feeling of emptiness

a void

like something’s missing

but the missing piece is me

how can i be missing from myself

that’s so weird

i was doing so good yo

i just wanna go back to last week’s version of me.

CURTAIN

I look in the mirror and the person staring back isn’t the person i expected to be. I didn’t think I’d be who i am today, I always expected that at this stage in life i’d be greater or achieved more , at least a little more than I have now. I can hardly look myself in the eyes ; surrounded by mascara stained cheeks. I seem to always have this constant battle of who I am vs who I want to be.

You know those cries in the shower that don’t seem like cries because the water becomes one with your tears as you bathe in your despairs so it just feels like a release of negativity
of all things hurtful all the things that break you down as you break down because of the struggles
the struggles of every day life that you can’t seem to wash away no matter how much you release it still haunts you it still comes back it still remains if it’s not one thing it’s the other and when it’s one thing and the other and it becomes overbearing and you can’t take it anymore all you can do is get in the shower and release…
hoping to wash away the grime of the world all the filth clogging up the pores of your sanity blocking your mind from being cleansed so now it’s just filled with everything everything and anything
everything you ever wanted is in the back of your mind as you struggle to wash away the debris blocking your dreams from coming true all the negativity in the way hindering you from freeing yourself and becoming who you want and need
So you take a shower and rid yourself of life’s toxins washing them away as often as much as you need to with the hopes that one day when you look in the mirror you’ll see the reflection you dreamed of staring back at you with clear eyes the same clear eyes the world sees you with because when they look at you they don’t see the person behind that shower curtain they see the post shower facade the one that was created when you dried away the remnants of your shower.

CANVAS.

with each stroke
his brush filled me
up
with pain
with love
with resentment
with passion
with regret
with pleasure
every motion with meaning
every touch
captured the essence of my soul
captured me perfectly
he knew my every crevice
the corner of each wall in entirety
I stood there
bare
watching, as he plowed
through my soul
devouring me whole
caught up in the heat of the moment
he laid on the final touches
as his paint brushed
across my caramel canvas
he told a story
with his hands
just me and my body understands
the desire
the yearning
the burning passion
he didn’t leave my body lacking
he took me to heights of
unimaginable pleasure
not even the Richter Scale could measure
the frequency of my body’s climatic seizure
exploded twice
my body melted like warm Ice
he tasted my sweet nectar
as he applied pressure
he licked his lips
he was satisfied
that I was satisfied
the seed of our lust planted so perfectly.
we hit the resolution
came to the conclusion
I felt completion
it is all an illusion
I’m left defeated
quite a nuisance
wet with grievance.

Lost Love

The famous poet Alfred Tennyson said it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Initially When I heard this I thought it was utter crap ; Who wants to invest their time into someone and have their heart broken? Why not just avoid love altogether I thought, Silly fools! Easier said than done.
When you start falling in love with someone you don’t even realize it, it really just happens outta nowhere. You become engulfed in total bliss & pure happiness, you feel complete. It is really an indescribable feeling. When I fell in love I had finally realized what Tennyson meant, love is a beautiful thing. I was waking up every day with thoughts of this one person on my mind, happy everyday and content in knowing that someone had a strong love for me. Then things fell apart. He cheated. I was heartbroken, devastated to say the least.
Imagine investing your time and energy into something just to have it fall apart in front your eyes. It was really one if the most traumatic things that had ever happened to me. I felt broken, like I had lost a big piece of me. I constantly tried to make sense of the situation and almost went crazy doing so because there was no logic behind his deception. I was really left in a hopeless place with nothing but despair and tears. I felt like there was no coming back from this like I would be broken forever and the remnants of this shattered heart would last forever.
But one day something clicked in me and I realized I couldn’t lose myself over lost love.
You have to look at it like this, when a mirror is cracked and is repaired no matter what it is no longer its former self whether it is stronger or stained with a scar. What is taken from this action of repair or the scorn of the scar is a lesson which is more valuable than anything one could hope for.
I realized that this feeling of brokenness was nothing more than mind over matter. Of course it sucked when it happened and in the back of my mind there is a chance that it would always hurt at least a little. However, it didn’t make sense to dwell on the pain of lost love. It made more sense to cherish the fact that I allowed myself to love so wholehearted and with so much power.
I learned to forgive him not for the sake of letting him back into my life but I forgave for the sake of my heart and sanity. I realized I didn’t have to walk around with the burning pain in my mind and heart because this pain could lead to resentment and resentment could lead to fear of love and depriving me of true love would really be the ultimate punishment. i came to the realization that I had to just live , let go and move on.
By the end of my heartbreak I had fully understood what Alfred Tennyson meant; lost love is either a blessing or lesson. It can be really devastating when it happens but the strength you regain when you pull through it is a beautiful thing. You prove to yourself how courageous and brave you are to not allow yourself to remain broken. You really see what beauty can come from tragedy. You really learn never to give upon yourself, that you can make it through the darkest of times by just believing that you can.

The Caged Canary

it was like a vivid reflection of my former self
i froze in awe 

every word 

every tear
my brokenness duplicated
i cringed with each sob

i could feel it

because I felt it

i used to be her 

i used to hurt

i used to question 

why

why me

blank.
no answer
even now
i stopped asking why
and asked
how
willI restore my soul
rediscover myself
be whole again
the road to recovery isn’t paved smoothly
nor is it easy
to leave behind what once brought joy
and comfort
but I packed my bags
filled them with hope and faith
left behind the resentment and hate
the bitterness and fear
gathered my shattered self
and was off
to restoration
to redemption
on a road to rescue myself
from myself
I’m not quite there
but I’m not far away
once she lets go of the fear of being lonely
and realizes that she deserves to be happy
she can be on her way
I got there
and so will she.
she doesn’t know it 

she doesn’t believe it 

at the moment
the pain is unbearable
the tears are unstoppable
the pain from being slapped with deceit still resonates
but one day her smile will be genuine 
and she’ll be her own heroin 

but only when she realizes the only person that can save her 
Is her.

SemiColon

Ever woke up wishing you didn’t wake up.
not wanting to be yourself anymore
Broken
hating yourself
even for hating yourself
finding yourself drowning in sadness
tangled In self hate
filled with emptiness
longing to just be okay ;
to be whole again
just hold on
keep pushing.
even though you might not believe it
its never as bad as it seems
it’ll get better
if not today maybe tomorrow
or the day after that
but one day you’ll love yourself for not giving up on yourself.

I know I do.

the great escape.

Can’t hide from myself or my own thoughts 

Feels like I’m trapped 

within myself 

yearning to break free , 

to escape 

to find 

Hope and Faith,

They seem like merely words 

not something i posses 

I try to view the light at the end of this dark tunnel 

but i just cant see it 

I guess my vision isn’t clear 

because what i envisioned is no longer here.

Two sides of the Fence

Two years of love

Two years of pain

Two years wasted

Experience gained

Two years of tears

Two years of lies

Two years of bliss

Sometimes ..

Two years of hope

Two years of doubt

That things might ever work out

Now that it’s over all that remains

Two years of energy

That can never be regained

Two years and change.