last weak

i get in these moods where i lose sight of where I want to be and

i drown in my reality

my reality that keeps me awake at night

my reality that’s in shambles

my reality that’s FAR from perfect

my reality that causes me to be ridiculously forgetful

my mind is always going

i’m always distracted

hardly focused

i lose keys

i lose money

i lose time

i lose opportunities

i lose people

i lose myself

i’m always thinking about everything but nothing at the same time

i just want to stop thinking

i just want to focus

i started taking these vitamins to help me focus and I forget to take them or

i’m just too lazy

either way they didn’t work.

i hate when I get like this

it literally feels like i’m sinking into myself

i stay in bed

i ignore calls

i engage only with people who don’t really know because, well,

they don’t really know…me

i hate when this happens it’s so hard to get out of it

i know i can pull myself out of it like i’ve done before its just…

theres no real will to do so, idk.

its scary because i don’t wanna be stuck in this version of myself

it’s the worst

i feel like nobody cares

because they don’t

because everyone has lives, so rightfully so

i feel like nobody notices when i disappear

but i also don’t want anybody to notice

that’s why I disappear

because…

i just want to be left alone to sink .

i don’t even know why this happens

i really hate it

cause i really liked last week’s version of me

people get mad at me for not showing up

how can i show up for you if i cant even show up for me ?

& how am i even supposed to explain whats going on

i don’t even know whats wrong with me

& what’s even weirder is there’s no real emotion behind it

i don’t feel

it’s just a feeling of emptiness

a void

like something’s missing

but the missing piece is me

how can i be missing from myself

that’s so weird

i was doing so good yo

i just wanna go back to last week’s version of me.

CURTAIN

I look in the mirror and the person staring back isn’t the person i expected to be. I didn’t think I’d be who i am today, I always expected that at this stage in life i’d be greater or achieved more , at least a little more than I have now. I can hardly look myself in the eyes ; surrounded by mascara stained cheeks. I seem to always have this constant battle of who I am vs who I want to be.

You know those cries in the shower that don’t seem like cries because the water becomes one with your tears as you bathe in your despairs so it just feels like a release of negativity
of all things hurtful all the things that break you down as you break down because of the struggles
the struggles of every day life that you can’t seem to wash away no matter how much you release it still haunts you it still comes back it still remains if it’s not one thing it’s the other and when it’s one thing and the other and it becomes overbearing and you can’t take it anymore all you can do is get in the shower and release…
hoping to wash away the grime of the world all the filth clogging up the pores of your sanity blocking your mind from being cleansed so now it’s just filled with everything everything and anything
everything you ever wanted is in the back of your mind as you struggle to wash away the debris blocking your dreams from coming true all the negativity in the way hindering you from freeing yourself and becoming who you want and need
So you take a shower and rid yourself of life’s toxins washing them away as often as much as you need to with the hopes that one day when you look in the mirror you’ll see the reflection you dreamed of staring back at you with clear eyes the same clear eyes the world sees you with because when they look at you they don’t see the person behind that shower curtain they see the post shower facade the one that was created when you dried away the remnants of your shower.

The Caged Canary

it was like a vivid reflection of my former self
i froze in awe 

every word 

every tear
my brokenness duplicated
i cringed with each sob

i could feel it

because I felt it

i used to be her 

i used to hurt

i used to question 

why

why me

blank.
no answer
even now
i stopped asking why
and asked
how
willI restore my soul
rediscover myself
be whole again
the road to recovery isn’t paved smoothly
nor is it easy
to leave behind what once brought joy
and comfort
but I packed my bags
filled them with hope and faith
left behind the resentment and hate
the bitterness and fear
gathered my shattered self
and was off
to restoration
to redemption
on a road to rescue myself
from myself
I’m not quite there
but I’m not far away
once she lets go of the fear of being lonely
and realizes that she deserves to be happy
she can be on her way
I got there
and so will she.
she doesn’t know it 

she doesn’t believe it 

at the moment
the pain is unbearable
the tears are unstoppable
the pain from being slapped with deceit still resonates
but one day her smile will be genuine 
and she’ll be her own heroin 

but only when she realizes the only person that can save her 
Is her.

Two sides of the Fence

Two years of love

Two years of pain

Two years wasted

Experience gained

Two years of tears

Two years of lies

Two years of bliss

Sometimes ..

Two years of hope

Two years of doubt

That things might ever work out

Now that it’s over all that remains

Two years of energy

That can never be regained

Two years and change.