I look in the mirror and the person staring back isn’t the person i expected to be. I didn’t think I’d be who i am today, I always expected that at this stage in life i’d be greater or achieved more , at least a little more than I have now. I can hardly look myself in the eyes ; surrounded by mascara stained cheeks. I seem to always have this constant battle of who I am vs who I want to be.
You know those cries in the shower that don’t seem like cries because the water becomes one with your tears as you bathe in your despairs so it just feels like a release of negativity
of all things hurtful all the things that break you down as you break down because of the struggles
the struggles of every day life that you can’t seem to wash away no matter how much you release it still haunts you it still comes back it still remains if it’s not one thing it’s the other and when it’s one thing and the other and it becomes overbearing and you can’t take it anymore all you can do is get in the shower and release…
hoping to wash away the grime of the world all the filth clogging up the pores of your sanity blocking your mind from being cleansed so now it’s just filled with everything everything and anything
everything you ever wanted is in the back of your mind as you struggle to wash away the debris blocking your dreams from coming true all the negativity in the way hindering you from freeing yourself and becoming who you want and need
So you take a shower and rid yourself of life’s toxins washing them away as often as much as you need to with the hopes that one day when you look in the mirror you’ll see the reflection you dreamed of staring back at you with clear eyes the same clear eyes the world sees you with because when they look at you they don’t see the person behind that shower curtain they see the post shower facade the one that was created when you dried away the remnants of your shower.
with each stroke
his brush filled me up
with pain
with love
with resentment
with passion
with regret
with pleasure
every motion with meaning
every touch
captured the essence of my soul
captured me perfectly
he knew my every crevice
the corner of each wall in entirety
I stood there
bare
watching, as he plowed
through my soul devouring me whole
caught up in the heat of the moment
he laid on the final touches
as his paint brushed
across my caramel canvas
he told a story
with his hands
just me and my body understands
the desire
the yearning
the burning passion
he didn’t leave my body lacking
he took me to heights of unimaginable pleasure
not even the Richter Scale could measure
the frequency of my body’s climatic seizure exploded twice
my body melted like warm Ice
he tasted my sweet nectar
as he applied pressure
he licked his lips
he was satisfied
that I was satisfied
the seed of our lust planted so perfectly.
we hit the resolution
came to the conclusion
I felt completion
it is all an illusion
I’m left defeated
quite a nuisance wet with grievance.
it was like a vivid reflection of my former self
i froze in awe
every word
every tear
my brokenness duplicated
i cringed with each sob
i could feel it
because I felt it
i used to be her
i used to hurt
i used to question
why
why me blank.
no answer
even now
i stopped asking why
and asked
how
willI restore my soul rediscover myself
be whole again
the road to recovery isn’t paved smoothly
nor is it easy
to leave behind what once brought joy
and comfort
but I packed my bags
filled them with hope and faith
left behind the resentment and hate
the bitterness and fear
gathered my shattered self
and was off
to restoration
to redemption
on a road to rescue myself
from myself
I’m not quite there
but I’m not far away
once she lets go of the fear of being lonely
and realizes that she deserves to be happy
she can be on her way
I got there
and so will she.
she doesn’t know it
she doesn’t believe it
at the moment
the pain is unbearable
the tears are unstoppable
the pain from being slapped with deceit still resonates
but one day her smile will be genuine and she’ll be her own heroin
but only when she realizes the only person that can save her Is her.
Ever woke up wishing you didn’t wake up.
not wanting to be yourself anymore Broken
hating yourself
even for hating yourself
finding yourself drowning in sadness
tangled In self hate
filled with emptiness
longing to just be okay ; to be whole again
just hold on
keep pushing.
even though you might not believe it
its never as bad as it seems
it’ll get better
if not today maybe tomorrow
or the day after that
but one day you’ll love yourself for not giving up on yourself.
Penny for your thoughts 